Interesting title, I know, real deep, mind blowing. Stuff of the ages.
I have, however, been thinking about this subject a lot recently, especially today, it being the 14th of February and all (thanks Hallmark), and I’ve come to a few realizations. Most guys – at least most that I’ve interacted with – I am ex-military, after all, and spent a lot of time developing a camaraderie of sorts – are truly afraid of the potential of rejection. But that’s not my trouble.
There are a few women that I am really interested in, this is true. And the fear of rejection is something that I have already defeated (please, don’t even ask). I’m not worried that they might already be involved with someone, I am confident that I can handle most any situation that a “rejection” would lead me to. For the longest time, however, I have been blaming my inability to actually do something about my feelings on this arbitrary – and convenient, mind you – “fear of rejection.” Now, however, I realize that there is something deeper involved.
It is a combination of my past, and of my upbringing, along with my faith. Emphasis on my faith, here, actually.
On the first note, I was primarily raised by my mother – at least in the years that healthy development in regards to forming relationships is concerned. My father… was… less than an ideal role model for what a husband should be like in a proper man and wife marriage, and after my parents divorced (no fault of my mother, I assure you…) and he went off marching to beat of his own drum, my paternal influence was even further diminished as he and his _ahem_ liveinguyroommate began a “relationship.” But that is just some background. Sins of the fathers and whatnot, yet I do not blame him for my current disposition.
No, my present state and mindset comes from fear alright, but not of the heart wrenching feeling of rejection (which, sucks by the way, I won’t pretend to gloss over that, at all), but of a fear of not being the spiritual leader that my (hopefully) future wife needs me to be. I have to be able to bear that responsibility – don’t get me wrong, i know it’s a two way street – and I have learned from past relationships (perhaps that shouldn’t be in the plurality) that being the rock of the relationship isn’t something that comes naturally to me. My fear then, I’ve realized, when faced with the opportunity to approach a young lady with the potential to engage in courtship, is that I will not be able to be the cornerstone, that I am more suited to the state of a willow.
I am attracted to God residing in these women (please, don’t take that as there are oh-so-many of them, there aren’t – that would just make me… something negative), and I recognize this. I am attracted to the spiritual connection that they have to our Father, and this is something that I truly value when considering the pursuit of a relationship, in fact, I value it above all else – above physical aspects, intellect, everything – though, I would prefer to date and possibly marry someone that could hold conversations about technology and the sort, I realize that that might be a tall order – girls typically aren’t as in to that sort of thing like us nerdy-type guys – and that, I think, is what makes it so hard sometimes – I fear that their relationship with God is far greater than my own, and, well, Corinthians has a lot to say on that subject. Let’s leave it at that.
I desire to be the leader in a God-centric relationship, I desire to be able to grow in Christ with a loving, caring, uplifting, glorious relationship, learning more and more from each other with each passing day, but I fear that I am not mature enough in my own walk to take on that responsibility. I will not allow myself to be an anchor, at least, not again. So I pray. I pray that God will lead me in the way that He needs me to grow in Him, and that He would be preparing me for the relationship that I Hope that He has stored for me in my future. I will know when I am ready for this responsibility, be it by internal, or external signs, of this I am sure.
I think John Piper says it quite well – “Marry so you can prefect the pursuit of one woman for a lifetime” (thanks Ken), but I would like to add a bit to that – “Marry so that you can perfect the pursuit of God with one woman for a lifetime.”
~/A\V/
Interesting title, I know, real deep, mind blowing. Stuff of the ages.
I have, however, been thinking about this subject a lot recently, especially today, it being the 14th of February and all (thanks Hallmark), and I’ve come to a few realizations. Most guys – at least most that I’ve interacted with – I am ex-military, after all, and spent a lot of time developing a camaraderie of sorts – are truly afraid of the potential of rejection. But that’s not my trouble.
There are a few women that I am really interested in, this is true. And the fear of rejection is something that I have already defeated (please, don’t even ask). I’m not worried that they might already be involved with someone, I am confident that I can handle most any situation that a “rejection” would lead me to. For the longest time, however, I have been blaming my inability to actually do something about my feelings on this arbitrary – and convenient, mind you – “fear of rejection.” Now, however, I realize that there is something deeper involved.
It is a combination of my past, and of my upbringing, along with my faith. Emphasis on my faith, here, actually.
On the first note, I was primarily raised by my mother – at least in the years that healthy development in regards to forming relationships is concerned. My father… was… less than an ideal role model for what a husband should be like in a proper man and wife marriage, and after my parents divorced (no fault of my mother, I assure you…) and he went off marching to beat of his own drum, my paternal influence was even further diminished as he and his _ahem_ liveinguyroommate began a “relationship.” But that is just some background. Sins of the fathers and whatnot, yet I do not blame him for my current disposition.
No, my present state and mindset comes from fear alright, but not of the heart wrenching feeling of rejection (which, sucks by the way, I won’t pretend to gloss over that, at all), but of a fear of not being the spiritual leader that my (hopefully) future wife needs me to be. I have to be able to bear that responsibility – don’t get me wrong, i know it’s a two way street – and I have learned from past relationships (perhaps that shouldn’t be in the plurality) that being the rock of the relationship isn’t something that comes naturally to me. My fear then, I’ve realized, when faced with the opportunity to approach a young lady with the potential to engage in courtship, is that I will not be able to be the cornerstone, that I am more suited to the state of a willow.
I am attracted to God residing in these women (please, don’t take that as there are oh-so-many of them, there aren’t – that would just make me… something negative), and I recognize this. I am attracted to the spiritual connection that they have to our Father, and this is something that I truly value when considering the pursuit of a relationship, in fact, I value it above all else – above physical aspects, intellect, everything – though, I would prefer to date and possibly marry someone that could hold conversations about technology and the sort, I realize that that might be a tall order – girls typically aren’t as in to that sort of thing like us nerdy-type guys – and that, I think, is what makes it so hard sometimes – I fear that their relationship with God is far greater than my own, and, well, Corinthians has a lot to say on that subject. Let’s leave it at that.
I desire to be the leader in a God-centric relationship, I desire to be able to grow in Christ with a loving, caring, uplifting, glorious relationship, learning more and more from each other with each passing day, but I fear that I am not mature enough in my own walk to take on that responsibility. I will not allow myself to be an anchor, at least, not again. So I pray. I pray that God will lead me in the way that He needs me to grow in Him, and that He would be preparing me for the relationship that I Hope that He has stored for me in my future. I will know when I am ready, be it by internal, or external signs, of this I am sure.
I think John Piper says it quite well – “Marry so you can prefect the pursuit of one woman for a lifetime” (thanks Ken), but I would like to add a bit to that – “Marry so that you can perfect the pursuit of God with one woman for a lifetime.”
~/A\V/
You’re welcome for the Piper quote =) Thanks for sharing, as always.
Hey…you know what? You are quite a man….Just thought you should know that I know that…you’re on a good road….keep praying for wisdom and guidance…He always come through…Love ya!
Tacking on to my earlier comment, I’d offer this as well after our IM convo. You say “I am attracted to God residing in these women”. Think about the converse. Do you believe that your life as it is visible to the women around you exhibits what you find attractive in women? That’s a great thing to pursue: God, give me such a great desire to love you that it flows through my life to the point where people see me as a reflection of you.
Living in a way that seeks to be satisfied in God alone – not just first, but alone – is what attracts you to those Godly women, and will be what attracts the type of woman you desire to you.
And, yet, when I recall the journey of this truly ‘good-centered’ (not to be confused with God-centered, for that came later as your awareness of who you were became self-evident) and naturally loving and kind human being towards brother and other family members, and folks, in general, it was very clear to me you would always be on the path to the Greater Good. Without resistance on your part, you are easily a child of God, a perfect creation, not at all a “willow”, but a mighty oak standing tall and deeply entrenched seeking an affinity towards GOD that is naturally inherent to you. It is when your heart and mind line up, a fearless passion driven of heart and guided by a mind pure in thought, unencumbered by anything that is less than true, fears of rejection will dissolve into the meaningless void to which it belongs. A woman of meaning will certainly come your way, identifying the very qualities of goodness and spiritual formation that are woven in the fabric of Alex, whom she will regard as the perfect partner and loving husband you are destined to be. Let go, son, and let GOD.